A key to unconditional love

I was often laughed at as a child for the things I said. “Ah, there she is again with her wise words,” my classmates said with a condescending laugh, when I once again tried to explain why the world was the way it was. “Don't do it,” I learned. “Just keep yourself small and invisible. Don't go against the flow. Then you will be accepted.”

Acceptance has always been a big theme in my life, the feeling of belonging was not self-evident for me. As a little Dutch Indonesian girl  growing up in a small village where hardly anyone's skin was darker than a pale latte, I didn't know anyone outside my family who looked like me.

No, this is not going to be a story about racism. I haven't really experienced it that much, except a few incidents of name-calling, but I never found that strange, since one of my childhood friends who happened to wear glasses also received her fair share.

This is the story of my quest to be myself. Without having anyone I could use as a mirror. I was always the odd one out, I didn't belong. It made me want to play a role. I became very good at “reading” what others wanted from me.

When I left home to go to college, I decided to turn my life around. I was determined to gather a group of friends around me. Now finally I would be accepted! So I learned to say the right words, wear the right clothes, and also look down on the right people. Nothing bonds a group like having a common enemy.

I was not a very pleasant person. Every now and then I still get a little blush of shame when I think about it. And did it work? Did I finally feel accepted? No. On the contrary. Now I felt even lonelier than ever before. I completely lost myself. Who was I? What had I become?

Fortunately, then came my biggest crisis. I went on vacation and got sick. So sick that I had a near death experience. Once back in the Netherlands, my then-boyfriend publicly cheated on me on a TV show. There was my carefully cultivated image torn to shreds. I had nothing left to keep with which to up appearances.

I gave up. I was done with it. Everything I had tried to be accepted had failed. So why should I even try? I turned back inside to rediscover myself. Who was I really?

It was the big turning point for me. The moment that instead of always asking myself what was expected of me, I finally started asking myself what I expected of myself. I turned the page, started to walk a new path, back to myself.

And? Was this the magic key that suddenly made my life great? Am I now completely accepted by myself and others? If I’m being completely honest… no… not just like that. To this day I am still the oddball. However, it was the beginning of the journey back and I am still on my way. But I know the stumbling points and I know how to get back up if I fall again.

I now know that the big question is not what is expected of me, or what others want from me, but what I expect of myself and what I want. Surprisingly, that is also very connected to finding your mission here on Earth. Many lightworkers are looking for signs outside of themselves what is expected of them, what they are expected to do. The answer is not found outside of you, it is within you. Your mission can be found by going inward and dissolving your shadows. Your mission comes from within, even if it sometimes feels imposed.

Dear Radiant Soul, we are all fulfilling our duty. It starts with acceptance of who we are; a little different from others. That was the intention. That's why we came here, precisely because we are different. Humanity as it was needed an impulse to grow. Don't hide your “oddballness”, it's the gift you bring here, it is what makes you shine!